“Seeds”

“Billy, you can have a slice of watermelon, but remember, don’t eat the seeds.”

Family picnics suck.  Mom makes me go to them, and then tells me I can’t eat watermelon seeds.  How is that fair?

They don’t taste like much, but who wants to try and pick them out while you’re eating watermelon?  And I’m sorry, but I don’t believe that “if you eat the seeds, watermelon vines will grow out of your ears” crap.  I’ve eaten them at every family picnic this year and nothing.

So, not only am I going to suck down all the seeds I want, but I’m going to get Mom, too.

“Hey Mom.”  No answer.  “Mom.”  She’s talking to Aunt Jane.  “Mom!”

“Can’t you see I’m talking?  What is so important?”

“I ate some watermelon seeds and now I can’t hear out of my ear.” Wink, nod. I had gone behind Aunt Jane’s barn and pulled up something green and stuck it in my left ear. She’ll think it’s a vine. Growing out of my ear.

“Do you think I talk just to hear my own voice?  I told you not to eat those seeds, Billy.”

She stood, walked to my right side and pulled up on my ear to get a good look.  It hurt, but I can take it.

“David, come here,” Mom yelled to Dad.

Now Dad pulled on my ear one direction and Mom the other.  “Should we pull it out?” Mom asked.

Boy, this was going good!  Mom sounds like she’s really worried, and I get to pull one over on Dad, too.

Someone pulled on my ear making me lose my balance.  “Oh my God, David.  What do we do?”

“I don’t know.  It’s a watermelon vine alright, and it must be in there pretty deep.”  I didn’t realize I had done such a good job stuffing that thing in my ear.  I couldn’t help it anymore, I just started cracking up.

“It’s not funny, Billy.  I told you not to eat those seeds.  Now you have a vine growing out of your ear!”

Dad leaned over and looked in my other ear. “Really Billy? A watermelon vine in one ear and a poison ivy plant in the other?”

Wait…I didn’t put anything in my right ear…