Angel: Good morning, my horned friend. I hope you slept well and are ready to repent on this beautiful day.
Devil: You never learn.
Angel: I thought today might be different after the soul-cleansing exercise we experienced last week.
Devil: You mean when you tricked me into going to that hot yoga class?
Angel: Hmmm … My quan tells me you are a bundle of frayed nerves, and I know if you would just expose …
Devil: You don’t want me exposing myself
Angel: Must you be so childish?
Devil: It’s just the devil in me
Angel: I forgive you, but I want you to try something new today. This time, think of it as extinguishing…
Devil: We devils NEVER extinguish…
Angel: …put out…
Devil: …or put out…
Angel: …ok, RELINQUISH from your inner being the crushing burden of concealed verisimilitude.
Devil: What?
Angel: If you get some things off your shoulders, you might feel better.
Devil: If I do this, can we get back to normal – you know, I tempt and you untempt…
Angel: Untempt isn’t a word and isn’t what we angels do
Devil: Whatever – can we just get back to business?
Angel: I will on one condition – that you relinquish all your hidden secrets and become fully unburdened.
Devil: Anything to end this torture. But you have to pinky swear…
Angel: How about pinky pledge? You know…angels…swearing…
Devil: Fine, pinky pledge. Here goes….
1) I started playing golf when I was about 12 years old. I loved playing, but golf is an expensive sport compared to baseball or basketball and I couldn’t always afford the green fees, so a few times I snuck onto the course and played without paying.
2) When I was a junior in college, I lived with two other guys (Ralph and Joel). I was not the best at cleaning up after myself, especially in the kitchen, so one time Ralph (who was a neat freak) picked up the dirty dishes I had left on the counter after I ate and put them in my room (my daughter is shaking her head right now in disbelief)
3) In the last year, I took a Masterclass on singing by Christina Aguilera, took an on-line singing course, and recorded myself singing in our basement and in my car, all in an attempt to sing better. Fortunately, no one witnessed this.
4) When I was around 10 or 11 years old, I was shooting my BB gun in our front yard and fired it into a tree. I hit a baby robin and it fell to the ground dead.
5) I’ve had a lifelong obsession with getting rid of my love handles
6) I have dessert after EVERY meal (which isn’t helping on the prior point)
7) I accidently saw my great grandma in her underwear once (believe me, it was an accident).
8) One of the first girls I ever kissed may have committed suicide.
9) I picked up a hitchhiker in Atlanta in 1995 (upon reading this, my wife is shaking her head, a common reaction to this list among the women in my family)
10) I accidently brought a french cuff shirt on a business trip with me once and didn’t have cufflinks, so I bent paper clips into the shape of cufflinks and used them instead
11) Right after I graduated from college, instead of eating dinner when I was on the road for a business trip, I bought a frying pan and passed through its cost as a meal
12) I don’t like the word “piss” because my parents used it when they got mad at me for peeing on the toilet seat when I was little
13) There are over 100 songs by Elton John that I don’t like. This is quite an admission for an EJ superfan.
14) I haven’t watched an entire professional baseball game since 2016 (Cubs World Series clincher). This is quite an admission for a baseball superfan.
15) I used to carry a peppermint candy in my pants pocket to remind me to be charitable, but I got hungry and ate it. Now I wear an orange bracelet for the same reason and I am pretty sure I won’t eat it.
16) I hit a dog with my car in Atlanta and probably killed it (I’m not sure why I never told anyone this)
17) I don’t like getting my picture taken outdoors because my hair looks so grey
18) When I was in junior high, I recorded myself passing gas repeatedly on a cassette tape that I think I still have
19) I used to put a cream below my eyes to get rid of the dark circles. One day I forgot to rub it in and didn’t notice until I got to work (train ride included)
20) I have an innate fear of removing fish from a fishing hook
Angel: I can tell you’re holding back. Come on, exorcise that demon…
Devil: You didn’t just say that…
Angel: Sorry, just spit it out!
Devil: OK, OK…I have no desire to own a cat again (this probably garners me forgiveness from my wife and daughter)
Write Brain 