“Hide and Seek”

Two years ago Josh made a mistake.

After a night out with three of his softball buddies after a game, Josh got behind the wheel of his Prius to drive home.  The cops busted him for crossing the centerline on South Boulevard; he blew a .11 BAC and pled guilty to driving under the influence.  Suspended license, fine, lawyer fees, driving school, probation – the works.  He did everything he was ordered to do and got his license back six months later. 

But the DUI scar drew attention whenever someone looked closely.  When he applied for a job at Citibank, he admitted to it in his application since he knew they would run a background check and find out about it.  He got the job, but even though it was probably just his own paranoia, he thought his boss was always watching him.  Did Josh come in to work hung over on Saturdays?  Did he overindulge at company parties?  Josh made the decision early on to avoid any social activity with his Citibank colleagues that wasn’t required out of fear of giving his boss reason to doubt him. 

He knew what most people thought about drunk drivers: the odds are against someone getting caught unless you do it a lot and the law of averages catches up to you, and if you get caught it proves you have a drinking problem.  Josh knew this was wrong in his case, but how do you argue this with people without sounding like you’re rationalizing? 

But his days of worrying about the DUI were over.  He had a good job, he loved living in Charlotte and he had found a church where he had made some connections.  He wanted to get more involved in the church, and a children’s ministries opportunity got his attention. 

Josh loved kids.  He had three nephews and two nieces between his two siblings and at most family parties he spent his time hanging out with them, playing video games, baseball or shooting hoops.  The kids loved him.  He could rough and tumble with the older boys, play with blocks and trains with the younger ones, and he talked to all of them – not in a sing-song voice with oversimplified language like a lot of adults did, but in a real tone with real interest.  The children’s ministries volunteer job seemed perfect for him. 

Until he got the questionnaire from Jenna, the volunteer coordinator.  There he saw the question: “Have you ever been convicted of a misdemeanor or a felony?”  Josh didn’t want to announce to anyone at church, including Jenna, that he had the DUI on his record.  He thought about scrapping the idea of volunteering altogether.  He thought about not disclosing the DUI, and he doubted they would run a real background check like Citibank did and find out.  He also didn’t think one DUI was the kind of thing they would be concerned about for a volunteer job working with kids. 

Josh sat on the application for a couple of days, but when he saw it in his email again, he still wasn’t sure what to do.  Then a voice in his head had its say: “You think the right way to get involved in church begins with a lie?  Yeah, Jenna might see this on your application and think “no way” and give you that look you’ve had from others, but if you’re that scared about it, then don’t volunteer.  Quit before you start.  Just don’t lie about it, man.” 

It wasn’t easy but Josh answered the question with a “yes” and gave the background.  He started typing an explanation but there was no explaining it.  He deleted what he had written and just wrote: ‘I did it, it was my decision and it was a bad one.  It hasn’t happened since and it won’t happen again.  The system worked – it made me understand the risks I was taking with my safety and the safety of others.’  What else could he say? 

Then he deleted what he had typed and answered the question with a ‘no’. 

When the email was ready to go, he hesitated for a moment, his finger hovering above the send button.  Then Josh took in and exhaled a shallow breath and sent it. 

Josh had trouble focusing on his work for the rest of the day.  Tough call, but no harm done to anyone in omitting that.  Doesn’t matter anyway.

That Sunday at church, Josh was making his way through the crowd after the service when he locked eyes with Jenna, who walked over to him.

“Josh, can you call me tomorrow?  There’s something I want to talk to you about.”

Uh-oh, it had to be.

“OK, I will, maybe around 9:00?”

“OK, thanks,” she said and then walked past him on his left.

Next day, 9:00 came and Josh was well-rehearsed.  He hadn’t thought about the DUI when he answered the question because he thought they were looking for real issues.  Dumb thing to do, even though he was OK to drive, and it was just bad luck because he never did this.  If it hadn’t been for a busted taillight it would have never happened.  Anyway, he probably should have read the question closer and he was sorry he didn’t.

He called Jenna and she was into it in the first 15 seconds of the call.

“Josh, your background check showed something that you didn’t mention on the CM application.”

Yup, here it was.  Josh jumped into his explanation.

After a brief pause, Jenna said, “OK, well, tell me about it.  How did it happen?  Did anyone get hurt?” 

Josh went through the story with Jenna.  She asked whether he had told anyone about it or prayed about it.  Josh hadn’t told even his parents, and he hadn’t prayed about it because there was nothing to do, it was over.  Jenna asked if she could pray for him right then, and thensaid a short prayer thanking God for His forgiveness of our sins and asking for His continued blessing on Josh.  She thanked God for giving Josh his servant heart in volunteering. 

“Josh, I hope you understand this.  I can’t accept you as a volunteer.  It’s not because of the DUI, it’s really just that you didn’t come forward with it.”

“Really?  Like I said, I didn’t know you would care about something like that.  I wasn’t trying to hide it, I just thought it didn’t matter.  But OK.”

They said their goodbyes and hung up.

Josh thought about changing churches, but he didn’t, and that turned out to be a good decision  because a few weeks later he met Kate.  She sat next to him at services a couple weeks in a row, and they talked, briefly at first, but then Josh asked her to coffee one week and she said yes. They started seeing each other regularly and soon were a couple.

In an odd coincidence, Kate was Jenna’s younger sister.

Josh respected and adored Kate and they seemed to be rapidly moving through the stages of relationship toward something that he knew could be permanent.   

They had been dating for about a year when Josh got a call from Kate saying they were through, but without explaining why.  Josh kept throwing out reasons since she wasn’t really offering any, but she denied them all.  Finally, when Kate said something about him not being honest with her, he said, “What are we talking about?  Why do you think that?” 

“When were you going to tell me about the DUI, Josh?  It’s been a year and you haven’t said anything?  I don’t know if you had a problem in the past and maybe it might come back again and, I don’t know, I just think we passed some marker a ways back where you should have told me.” 

Josh didn’t have to guess where Kate had heard about the DUI.  “Kate, I’d really like to talk about this.  Can I come by tonight after work and see you?” 

“Not tonight, I’m swamped  and I’ll be here late.  Maybe this weekend – let’s talk on Friday and we’ll see.” 

Josh hung up and then made another call.  “Jenna, I just talked to Kate.  She doesn’t want to see my anymore because she found about the DUI I had.  Did you tell her?” 

“Josh, she’s my sister.  You guys have been going out for a year and you haven’t said anything.” 

“But why did you tell her?  You wouldn’t have even known other than through the church, so you used that information that should have been kept private against me.  And I didn’t lie about it to her – it just wasn’t important to tell her.” 

“Look, I know this seems like a strange request, but please keep this to yourself.  I don’t really want to share this, but I think you need to know to understand where Kate’s coming from.  Our mom was an alcoholic, Josh. It was a rough go for us when we were growing up, watching her pass out every day on the couch, lose interest in anything we were doing, and fight with our dad all the time.  Kate and I made it through because of our dad.  Mom got sober finally and we forgave her but …” 

“I’m not an alcoholic, Jenna, I don’t have a problem.  I just made a mistake and now because you made it look like I was hiding something, I don’t know where Kate and I go from here.  You should have said something to me instead of her, or just kept out of it and let me tell her when I was ready. “

“I didn’t mean to tell her Josh, believe me.  We were talking when we were at dinner on Monday and mom came up in our conversation.  She had been thinking about our childhood and she told me she would never risk putting her kids through that.  And here I was sitting on this thing I knew about you that I was pretty sure she didn’t, and I just asked her if she had any concerns about you.  She jumped on that and, she’s my sister, so she knew I knew something.  It just came out, I didn’t plan on it.” 

“So, you think I have a problem and she’s better off just not taking the chance?” 

“I don’t know Josh.  I don’t think so, but if you had just told her it would have been better.” 

“So look Jenna, I’m not just letting this go.  I love Kate and there’s no reason she should worry about me.  So you know her, what do I do?” 

“Give her a little time to think.  She’ll call me if she hasn’t already and I’ll talk to her.  I don’t think she is going to be worried as much about the DUI; I think she’ll think she can’t trust you since she feels like you hid this “

“Fine, let me know what she says when you do.  I’ve got to figure out what to do.” 

Jenna called Josh back the next day.  She believed Kate would hear Josh out on why he hadn’t told her before about the DUI.  Just as she had said, to Kate it was trust that was the issue.  She didn’t like surprises like this, probably as a result of the dysfunction in her house when she was growing up and her resulting need to control what she could in life now.  She admitted she probably overreacted, but she still had questions and wasn’t sure how she was going to get past this. 

Josh texted Kate Friday and they agreed to meet for breakfast Saturday morning at The Flying Biscuit Café.  Josh got there first, grabbed a table, and waved Kate over when he saw her walk in.  She briefly met his eyes, said hi, and then picked up a menu. Silence hung over the table until the waitress came to take their order.  After she poured coffee for them and left, Kate began by saying that she felt Josh had deceived her, and then she opened up about her home life growing up and how it affected her and her reaction to what Jenna had told her.  Josh said he was sorry she found out about the DUI the way she did; he would have eventually told her, but it just didn’t seem to him like she had to know.   

“You can’t decide what’s important to me,” said Kate.  “If this is going somewhere, I need to know you, good and bad.  You need to trust me too, and believe that if you show me your failures I’m not just going to walk away.  And Josh, you don’t just tell people for their purposes.  You tell them because telling them helps you, too.  We don’t know anyone’s entire life except our own and sharing things that bother you might help you deal with them better.” 

“I hear you, but I don’t see how talking about this changes anything.  Believe me, I won’t make that mistake again.  I’m not looking for any advice or anything, so why tell anyone I don’t have to?” 

“It’s not always the mistakes you make that makes you a certain kind of person, it’s what you do to try to make amends that says a lot about you.  And by hiding things, it says you don’t trust others and you don’t care about yourself or them enough to let them help you.” 

“I just want it to go away, Kate.  It’s not who I am, and I just don’t think there’s a problem,” said Josh as he leaned away from the table. 

“OK, then why did you send the questionnaire to Jenna without mentioning it, and why didn’t you tell me about it before someone else did?  You just act like you can hide this away like it never happened.” 

“I should’ve told you and I didn’t.  I was embarrassed.  But I hear you.  I don’t know when or to who or why I would need to talk about this, but I’ll think about it.  I will,” said Josh. 

After two hours they had talked themselves out.  They walked out together, and Josh had hoped for a sign that things were better, but when they reached Kate’s car, she just said, “Josh, I need to think about this.  Maybe we can talk next week.”  She then got in her car and left while Josh stood watching until she had driven out of sight.  Over the next three weeks, they talked and texted a few times and met for lunch one day, an awkward hour spent on small talk.

One afternoon, Kate got a text from Josh asking her to meet him at their church the next  night at 7:00.  When she asked why, he just asked her to meet him there.  When she walked in, there were quite a few people there, but other than the outreach pastor, no one she recognized.  She looked around for Josh but didn’t see him and when she asked someone what was going on, they told her it was a Special Program for Substance Abuse meeting the church held monthly at this time. 

The meeting started, so Kate grabbed a chair.  After the pastor said a welcome and prayer, he introduced the first speaker for the night, Josh.  Josh stood in front of the group of about 50-60 people and started talking: 

“Hi, my name is Josh.  About three years ago, I got drunk and got behind the wheel of my car.  I got caught.  I didn’t tell anybody about it and I did everything I could to hide it from people because I was embarrassed.  Afterwards, I let friends drive after they had been drinking because I was afraid somebody might figure out I had gotten busted if I was warning them not to drink and drive suddenly.  I stopped hanging out with other friends as often because I didn’t want to take a chance it happened to me again, even though they weren’t doing it.  I hid my DUI from my girlfriend because I didn’t know how she would react and almost lost her when she found out because I didn’t believe in her and us enough to think she’d be able to handle it.  I lied about it on an application for a volunteer spot here at this church.    I thought it was ok to keep it to myself, that it was only my business and didn’t impact anyone else.  I was afraid of losing control again and so I kind of withdrew from people, not entirely but more than I needed to.  I worried about people finding out and judging me, talking about me behind my back.  I beat myself up with regret and I lost perspective, lost the ability to balance a mistake I made against the rest of who I am.  And all that wasn’t necessary.  If I had shared it with somebody who could have helped me keep things in perspective, talked truth to me when I needed it, listened to me, kept me accountable, I wouldn’t have had to hide and lie.  Maybe I would have seen sooner that I’m not a bad person, I’m just someone who made a mistake and is sorry for it now.  I remember our pastor saying last week that everyone should feel welcome at church – just grab a seat in the sanctuary next to any of the other sinners.  Because we are all sinners.  Being a sinner doesn’t make you different but admitting it to others can make a difference for you.  So, I’m here tonight to encourage you to tell someone.  Don’t feel like you can or should go it alone.  It’s better when someone you trust knows what you are going through.  I’m not saying it’s easy to admit your mistake to someone, but it’s a lot better than trying to deal with it on your own.” 

Josh wrapped up his comments and took a couple of questions, then left the front of the room and sat next to Kate.  She took his hand in both of hers.  Josh turned to her and said, “That felt good.”